Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
