i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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