My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
