omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
