Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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