sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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