I will die if light touches me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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