Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
