two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
