he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
