Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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