i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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