after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
