One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize