Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Gay?
German.
Pity.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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