I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The Olympian is in my bed
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
