I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
