I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
