You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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