First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
whose parrot is this?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I have already put on my inside pants.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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