It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
