my mouth tastes like poor choices
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just had sex on a roof
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
