i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
