I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
