he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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