I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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