you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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