you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
