There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
