So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
