And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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