i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
