my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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