I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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