I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
