"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
