We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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