I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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