I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
