he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize