Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
