in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
