we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
