he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
