My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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