worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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