There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
