Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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