At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
