Who did Billy Mays play for?
In America we eat man semen.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize