I haven't been this sober since birth.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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