Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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