I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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