who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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