Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
