I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
