Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
