She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You are a genius and a whore.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
