I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize