I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
it's like heaven, but drunker
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
