Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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