my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
